Peace like a River...

My mom just called me 10 minutes ago and informed me that Amy Fosholm passed away. Amy was a lady that lived with my family for a period of 8 years back when I lived in North Dakota. She was one of the godliest women I have ever come across. I would dare say that I probably wouldn’t be a Christian today had I not seen and experienced the love of God that was so evident on Amy. She used to sit in her room for hours up hours praying and interceding for people. I can still remember being a 6 year old sitting in her lap and praying together. Even after she moved out, she would write me letters with prayers and words of encouragement for me.

Amy was well into her 90’s and her health had rapidly depleted in the past year, so this death was not overly unexpected. Either way, it hits me hard. What will my legacy be? I desperately want to love people in the same way that Amy did. In some ways, her death re-ignites a flame in me.

Amy, you will be missed.

If you think about it, please pray for Amy and her family. I know she is in a much better place right now.

(past blog I made about Amy)

Good Friday

It is a wet, overcast, dreary day outside today. I drove into work this morning listening to Young Mountain by This Will Destroy You as I reflected on the meaning of Good Friday, and its personal relevance to me. It really is emotional to think about the price our heavenly father paid for our redemption.

Tonight at bible study we are going to watch The Passion of the Christ. The last time I viewed this film, I was alone in my apartment with a glass of wine, so it will be interesting to watch it with others. I hope I am able to open up and let it sink in, because sometimes I get really distracted by people around me.

Past, Present and Future...

Well, by this time next year, I really hope to be set on my path to ministry. I have mixed feelings about my life up to this point. On one hand, I have had some incredible experiences. From making great music with friends I consider as close as brothers to traveling and living life as an adventure, I feel like life has been pretty full. On the other hand, I have done very few preparations for certain goals I have (ie. mission’s work, pasturing, leading). I have decided to not live in regret. I think God has taken me on this distinct journey for a reason and the outcome is going to be amazing as long as I keep my eyes fixed on him.

Looking back at my life as a 23 year old, I made some huge mistakes, and I also grew a ton. I feel like a completely different person. God is doing a constant change in me, and I am truly ready for the next level.

The past few weeks, I have been really trying to sift through all of the crap that clouds my vision. I have been driving more and more with out any music on, so I can focus on prayer and my thoughts. I have been praying before I go to bed. I think God truly is preparing me, and softening my heart.

Anyhoo, I think the next 365 days of me being 24 are going to be great, and my relationship with God is going to become more intimate than ever.

<3

I was just thinking this morning as I drove into work, I really miss the rain. I can’t remember the last time I was out and about on a rainy day. There is something to refreshing and lively about rain. I realize it’s still the winter, but I know that spring is just around the corner. I can’t wait to smell the freshness of the outdoors and see the new life popping up everywhere. We really are surrounded by miracles on a daily basis.

As soon as I can, I really want to commit more time to nature and spending my days outdoors. I certainly feel like God speaks to us through art and nature. I know all of this sounds overly artsy, but it’s true. There is peace in the silence of the mountain trails. There is love in the sounds of chirping birds. There is an absolute truth in the smell after a hard rain. All of these things really bring me back to that intimate relationship with my God.

So in conclusion, anyone want to go on some hiking trips with me this spring/summer?

Today, I started reading Walden by Henry David Thoreau. So far it is really interesting. I find 19^th century literature to be really beautiful. It’s funny, because Thoreau is pretty much speaking in scientific terms about the psychology of man, and why we go through our everyday life. Yet the way in which he writes is very poetic rather than prose driven. Anyway, I will let you know my thoughts on it once I finish it. Here is a little sentence from it that stuck out for me:

“See how he cowers and sneaks, how vaguely all the day he fears, not being immortal or divine, but the slave and prisoner of his own opinion of himself, a fame won by his own deeds.”

To Feel Again...

This past weekend, I had the pleasure of attending a retreat with my church’s “College and Career Age Group”. It was such a blast. Here is a recap of the weekend:

On Friday night we arrived, unloaded the cars and claimed beds/floor space. The house was freezing cold as it was heated by the wood burning fireplace (more to come on the coldness later). All 26 of us sat down in the living room and sang some worship songs and had a quick talk.

That evening, we all went to bed around midnight. We soon discovered that the house was not heating up fast enough, so we slept in about 15 degree weather! It was honestly the coldest I have ever been in my life. Most of us ended up not sleeping and just huddled around the fireplace. It was humorous after the fact.

Saturday morning, we had breakfast around 8:30 and just chilled for the next few hours. In the mid morning we had another meeting. We had a group discussion on our biggest satisfactions in the Church today, and our biggest disappointments. It was really interesting to hear everyone’s point of view. The general ending of the discussion seemed to conclude that we, as believers, need to get back to our first love and start really developing our personal relationships with God instead of just going through the motions.

That afternoon, we all hung out playing board games and acting overtly gay (haha). It was so stellar to just have nothing important to do. For the record, I completely wiped Hoshi out in poker!..haha. I would say this afternoon was the best time of bonding for the group as a whole. It seemed like everyone was really enjoying themselves.

That evening, we had our final service, which consisted mainly of just worship. Delmar spoke for about 30 minutes, but the other hour and half was simply time with God. It was a powerful evening, and I will recap what happened to me spiritually a little bit later.

The cabin was much warmer that evening, and the three Josh`s (Me, Hosh and Josh Brown) all slept in a twin bed. I must say that despite being spooned by Hosh all evening, I slept like a log.

On Sunday morning, the triple J (the 3 Josh`s!) slept in. When we got up, everyone was pretty much ready to hit the road, so we packed our stuff, threw the football around a bit, and left.

Like I said earlier, this was a really refreshing weekend for me. I have been dealing with a ton of conflict in my life lately. I really feel like God was beckoning me to come back to my first love in him. I would say the thing I am most excited about, is the fact that I am starting to feel again spiritually. I feel like I have been ignoring that side of my life for so long. I would love to say that I started balling my eyes out, and God knocked me on my face, but that is not how it happened. I feel like my road back to wholeness won’t be an instant one, however, after feeling that glimpse of him this past weekend, I am ready for the work. I am ready for a lifestyle change. I want to start looking through God’s eyes. Everything seems so much more beautiful when seen through holiness.

Anyway, I am glad you are all around me to witness the change in my life, and hold me accountable to it. I am ready for the next step, and I think God has a plan for me (and you!).

Here are some photos from the weekend:

About to play monopoly!

Me, Tracy, and Jami

The celebratory dogpile after our board game victory.

Hosh looking like an 8 year old:

Wood burning stoves!

Rach and Wendy just chillin!

All of the people come and go, never really lived.

I think God has really pressed on my heart lately to start finding happiness in Him, and not my circumstance. I get so caught up in think about my next move, that I forget to enjoy life and the beauty that surrounds me. It’s easy to find discontent when you’re looking in the wrong places. With that said I think my “next step” is getting closer to God and finding contentment in Him. I don’t think I would make a very big imprint on the world (whether it be in music, missions, etc.) if I can’t find happiness solely in Jesus.

I really think God offers us true independence through walking in His love. We can make it through any hard time, or transition by simply finding joy in Him. It’s a pretty incredible thing when you think about it.

Wake up Call

I am sick of being bitter and cynical. I know that the people who know me in real life will say that I am a pretty joyful/cheery person, but I don't feel that way in my mind. I feel like I am using every excuse possible to ignore my calling.

From my birth up until the age of 7, a lady lived with my family named Amy Fosholm. I consider this woman to be my third grandmother. Anyways, she was a complete woman of God. She would spend a minimum of 4 hours a day praying and interceding for people. She is one of the kindest people on this earth.

I was looking for something this afternoon in my storage boxes and came across a box full of pictures and letters. Overall, it was a really great time to look back at my life and all of the great relationships I have made. Two letters completely knocked me in the face. They were both from my old friend, Amy. The first, was a letter she wrote to me when I was still in my mother's womb. It was pretty much a prophecy saying that the Lord is birthing someone in my mother that was going to reach all of the nations and be a great person of God. The second letter was a follow up letter she sent me when I was in high school. It told me to chase after God and spend time with him. It told me to ignore all of the little things and get in line with the pulse of Jesus.

It's hard to explain how both of these letters spoke to me, but I feel like something profound has happened today. I feel clarity like I have never felt. Additionally, I feel extremely screwed up. I feel like I have expended so much energy and thought on things that aren't in my master plan. Frankly, I don't know what the master plan is, but I know that I need to rise up in spiritual maturity. I know that I need to disregard the petty things that plague my world.

Recently, I blogged about my frustrations with being selfish. Those thoughts have not gone away. It is time for a global view. It is time to start truly caring. As much as I want it to be, this life is not my own.

Change

This is probably the hardest blog I have ever tried to articulate. I have been thinking it over for the past couple months, and I just need to get it out of my mind and written down. I am really starting to believe that I don’t adhere to any political party. The reason this is hard for me to say is because it seems like literally everyone around me is passionately conservative.

Trust me, I am all for political awareness and social justice. I just don’t see justice happening in our current state. I think certain things about modern capitalist politics just don’t line up with the life Jesus led. Here are a few of the issues I am starting to re-think:

I am becoming a pacifist. Last night, I watched the movie, The Passion of the Christ. As I sat there in tears watching this actor’s rendition of Jesus, it became more apparent how much of a non-violent revolutionary he was. The “turn the other cheek” analogy is more than just a saying; it was a way of life for Jesus. Now, just for clarification, this is not some anti-Iraq war rant. I am simply stating my distaste for war in general. I realize our country was pretty much founded on the civil war, but to me that is not justification, it’s just history that we learn from.

I am becoming more concerned about Green Matters and the Environment. The bible calls us to be good stewards of our land, and I feel like our society has not done its job in upholding this. Everything on this earth is God’s piece of art from a mucky marsh in the everglades to farmland in the Midwest. Sometimes I think we have this attitude that Jesus is coming back before any of our environmental footprint effects anything. The fact of the matter is no one knows when Jesus is coming. It has been “at hand” since the apostle Paul was alive. One of my greatest fears is that, in a thousand years, our offspring look back at us in bewilderment at how we treated our land and showed no concern over their future. Why? So we could have 5 options in sneakers instead of 2, so we could have a 3 cars instead of two, etc.

I am reading the bible as a story, not an answer book. The bible is the tale of our existence put into poetic terms, not prose. It is the word inspired by God, not directly written by him. I believe the bible is 100% true in context, not out of it. I believe that we are still living out the bible today. God gave us the gift of his word so that we could see how past tribulations have been handled through different cultures and times. From the Spanish Inquisition, to John Wesley, to modern times, God wants us to learn from the past and grow on it. It is much like a tree and its rings. The tree keeps growing off itself and adding onto the rings already laid down, not starting new trees, not erasing past rings, but building upon them.

These are the major things going on in my head currently. Like I said when I started this thread, this is my journey. I could be completely off, and I am open to that fact. I just want to be open with my thoughts and not stifle “different” thinking. By the way, I realize that my points kind of went beyond politics and into just my general orthodoxy. Sorry for the scatter-brained post.

Sun Kil Moon is way too good.

Whoa, I got this mobile blogging thing set up. That is what that picture is in the previous post. I am glad they finally released this feature.

I had a decent weekend. On Friday, my company hosted a holiday party. It was nice to get all dressed up and be “swank” for an evening. I will post a picture of my date and I later (Once I get the picture uploaded). On Saturday, I saw “Apocalypto”, the new Mel Gibson movie. It was spectacular. I was enthralled in the story all the way through. That evening, I went and watched Sean’s band Cameron at Bay. They killed it. By far the best band of the evening, I hope Sean and the guys keep plugging away at it, because they have a ton of potential. After the show I went to a lame party, and since I don’t drink much anymore, I pretty much just sat there and lurked..haha. Sunday, I went to church, Pastor Leech gave a great outline of the church’s vision. I am excited to be a part of Jubilee.

Getting Feeling Back

Well I guess it’s over. We had our last show as Young America / Strikethurman on Wednesday with the lovely Skillet. I feel at peace about it. I think we are going to do something new and fresh in the months to come. I really look forward to gaining a new center in the band, new inspiration, and new sounds. It’s time to really dig in and build something beautiful that we can be inspired from twenty years later.

It’s been weird getting out of my normal Sunday mindset. In the past, I was used to getting up at 6am, getting to church at 7am to set everything up, doing the service, eating some lunch and doing another evening service. Now that the church is over I feel totally different on Sundays. I started working out again, and I came to the conclusion that I can work out on Sunday mornings now before church. So weird….

Love

I think I had an awakening yesterday. Backstory:

Everything in life is currently changing, I lost my church family, my drummer left the band for uncontrollable reasons (I love him!), and I am living in a new place. I have been completely numb, literally not caring about anything. To go along with this attitude I decided it would be a good idea to get drunk on Saturday night. I wasn’t going to over-do it, but when the opportunity was there, I took it.

I felt horrible the next day, both physically and spiritually. I went to the 11 o`clock service at Jubilee and Pastor Leech’s words hit me like a brick in the face. The central theme of his message was that heart changes don’t occur until you fill that void you are trying to change with something better. (Obviously that is a gross over-simplification of his sermon) I left feeling inspired.

Later that evening I went to “Pathways Church” in the Washington Park area. The sermon was about communication with God and prayer. At the end, there was time for worship and prayer. I sat there in silence and I could hear the definite words of God speaking to me so quietly and softly. I honestly felt so enlightened afterwards. I woke up today with a smile on my face. I feel so inspired by life and in tune with God.

Needless to say, I was smacked in the face this weekend. It feels like no matter how stupid I am, God refuses to let me go. Obviously, I cannot take advantage of His grace, but at the same time, His love completely overwhelms me. It is time for me to take a walk down that desolate/desert road that they talk about in Acts 8. Perhaps God has his own version of the rich Ethiopian for me to come across.

Constant Rotation Called Life.

Wow. What a crazy past 2 weeks. Change, change, change. I am trying to figure out if I am just numb to it all or coping. The later of the two is becoming more probable. This, in my opinion, is a very good thing. The future is quite uncertain, but I am really excited about it. I love the fact that I can technically do anything I want. Maybe that is a selfish viewpoint, but it doesn’t really change the way I feel.

Anyhoo, my church just had its last service ever on Sunday. (I found out about it 4 days prior!). I guess I am kind of in shock still. I will be attending Jubilee on Sunday. I really enjoy Leech`s preaching. Hopefully I find a new community to call home soon.

Tonight=Bottle of Wine, Cigar, and possibly a movie.

Lessons in Love

Growing up never stops does it?

Anyhoo, lately, I have felt really excited about life. I have decided that no matter what comes my way, happiness is a choice. Of course it’s a lot harder when hardship is looking you straight in the eye. The bottom line is, everyone has problems of varying degrees.

Life is meant to be enjoyed, not gotten through. I know, I know, I sound like a motivational speaker or something, but it’s true. It seems like we walk through life trying to get from one place to the next, and never really enjoy the ride. Sometimes I think walking in love means taking a step back and truly counting your blessings. Just look around for a second and gaze at all of the beauty around you. God’s way of saying He loves and cares for us. For me it serves as encouragement to press on in this trail of life.

Anyway, short but sweet. Love you all.

-Josh

This Zombi is Anything but Alive

Do you know what I fear the most? It isn’t death, or where my eternity lies, ect. My biggest fear is leading myself into a comma of a life.

The past few months I have gone through ups and downs, but I think I have really learned some things through the valleys I have walked through. The most important thing I have discovered is that I truly needs stimulus, whether it be for my soul, spirit, or body. I cannot go on in this numb state where I ignore life, because I will tell you right now, when it all catches up with you, its worth that death. Sometimes, I think we as humans naturally lean towards the middle path, the mediocre way. Life comes from challenge, not zombie-living.

To put this all together, lately, I have been reading my bible, listening to sermons on my iPod, and worshiping God. Let me tell you, this has lead to a fullness of life like I have never experienced before. I used to look at these types of things as secondary, “When I have time, I will pursue it harder”, I have since discovered that life is in these practices. God placed these communication methods in our lives so that we could truly breath, because the alternative is a stagnant comma-state of a life.

I will fully admit that I still stumble, and life isn’t necessarily easy just because I communicate with God and pursue His things. I will say, however, that the application of your spirituality will do wonders for your self-esteem, and bring everything into perspective.


Lord, I love you so much. I want to pursue you in EVERYTHING. I am tired and weak, and I truly need your touch. I pray that you would help my in my pursuit of You, guide me and bring revelation. I do not want to be a zombie-Christian that does through life settling for the mediocre, never living up to the promises You have made.

-Josh

Oh god do what you can to annoint my head

I woke up this morning to awful weather. It was snowing/sleeting and the roads were not good. Throughout the day, I noticed that the weather was improving, so I went on lunch. Upon returning to work, it was sunny outside, and oddly enough there was a herd of deer across the street from my office. Very beautiful.

In some ways, I think our spiritual life is like this. We go through times of sadness and weakness. But honestly, I think that making it through those times is the most rewarding/refreshing experiences. I don’t think that beauty after a storm would be as amazing without the storm itself happening.

This sounds like something I would have learned as a child in Sunday school, but I can say that I haven’t learned it in my heart yet. I am getting there though, and I really am trying to place my trust in God. I may not know the master plan, but I do know that God has a way of expressing himself that we can’t comprehend, and it’s the most beautiful thing ever.

How Great Thou Art

I have been re-thinking a lot of things lately concerning my beliefs/relationship with God. I have come to the conclusion that I am falling out of love with Christianity and more in love with God himself. I know that sounds almost heretic, but it is not meant to be. All I am saying is that I feel like I have put God in this box of my surroundings. I have interpreted him based on what my parents and society have taught me. I want to have a living, breathing relationship with a real God. Not a myth whose foundation is based in modernism and man made ideals. I want to read the bible like a love story, not a formulaic textbook to get answers for whatever you need. I guess you could say I am falling back in love with Jesus because I am realizing that the things that turned me off before were nothing like him anyway. It seems like the church (in general) might be losing its grip on things because it refuses to admit fault and progress. I feel like we are back in the 1800’s when slavery was justified with the Bible. Or back in the crusades when people of different religions were murdered in the name of God. Maybe it’s not that extreme or apparent, but I feel we need to constantly be re-assessing ourselves, and depending on God for the answers. Not our surroundings and selfish motives. Anyway, food for thought.

I am weak, but He is strong

No major insight or theology on this entry, I just want to say that I am thankful for my friends and my God. I have had a super rough week and I screwed up big time. Yet now in retrospect, I can say that I am stronger, and smarter from it. So thanks to my friends who are reading this and know what I am talking about.

In other news, I am completely moved into my place in Castle Pines North. It is SOOO nice. I am super pumped on it all. Everyone should come visit me.

I just read the funniest argument on hxcboards between a vegan guy and other people. Funny stuff.

We Will Survive

I have brought the suck at blogging this past month. Oh well.

So I started reading a new book called New Kind of Christian. I am only 4 chapters in, but I have found it super stimulating and interesting. So far, the book is about how our society is transitioning from the modern world to the post-modern world. To sum up what I have read so far, it is about the fact that modern Christianity is clinging on to the foundations they laid in the modern world, while everything else is progressing. In other words, the Church is losing relevancy because it laid too much foundation in our surroundings and environment. I am paraphrasing like no other, but I hope the point is coming through clear. Anyway, the book is really opening my eyes to the reasons that I am a Christian. After thought, the main reason I am a Christian is that I have a relationship with a living, breathing God. It is so easy to limit God to our surroundings, but He is so much bigger than that. Maybe it is just human nature, but I think we need to get over ourselves. I have heard a lot of concern regarding future generations and their relevance to God. Personally, I feel very optimistic. I think our societal changes are going to force a re-evaluation of our Western/European view on God.

Anyway, on a personal note, I am moving this Saturday. I am so excited about it. I will finally have my own spot to study/keep clean/sleep in/ yada. I have been a nomad for a while now and it sucks. Although I can honestly say I think it has been good for me. I don’t have a dependency on home. Which I think is going to be crucial when I move into missions. Anyway, if you are my friend, and reading this, you should come check it out.

there is no easy path

Do you ever wonder if you have missed the point in some senses? I have been really concerned about my life this week. I have always banked on music as my ticket into ministry, and that pastorship/missionary work is all something for when I am older. I believe God has given me a gift in music, and I am using it right now. I just feel a deeper calling in a sense. I really want to see lives changed in a day-to-day manner. I am really tired right now, so I might just be speaking out of my sleepiness. I just hope that I figure things out soon. For the record, this entry is just how I am feeling right now; it has nothing to do with my band or church. It is simply a diary entry, and a vent for frustrations in my life.

Simply Complex

I have been struggling the last few days with simple faith vs. complex faith. The Bible talks about having faith like a child. It also speaks about digging deeper and deeper into the things of God. This has been the conflict in my mind that past week. I came to a realization, however. God isn’t looking for simple-minded believers. I think when the Bible talks about “Faith like a child”; it is about taking delight in everything. If you look at a child, their life is so amazing. A smile from their daddy, or a hug from their sibling is a huge source of happiness. I think in some ways, that’s how God wants us to view our beautifully complex relationship with Him. It is not wrong to question things, or research, I think God promotes it. I just think we need to take delight in the simple pleasures, and the basic fact that we serve such an awesome God. This is a fairly straight forward entry, I hope it is encouraging